Kai: This week, I 'ave mostly been...

Mum likes to bring me things, she has never had a dog before and she is a soft touch for buying me presents. Some of the presents I liked, cheese and bacon Whirlers have become a regular fixture in our house since she bought me some. Even Grandma buys them, a total success. I have reinforced Mama's training by giving her kisses after I eat the treats, I am sure that she too enjoys the delicious bacon scented saliva. Who knows what I can get in my treat drawer next?

Dad is the leader of the pack so often Mum is tempered by his good sense (Dad says Mum has more money than sense) and when Mum found the Kong I hid, I knew I wouldn't get a new one. Dad is immune to my subtle training techniques.

Dad did relent and let Mum buy me a brush at Morrisons, mostly because we had a discount card and also I hear she pulled her sadface in the petfood aisle, something I am sure she copied from me. Now Dad has two sadfaces to deal with. I was not very convinced about the a brush. I like to sit on Mum while she does her hair and often when she does her make up, once she poked herself in the eye with her Lancome mascara cos I knocked her, which I think was a step too far. Maybe the brush is revenge.

Discussions were had about how best to introduce me to the brush, in the end Mum looked so anxious that I let her brush my belly and nonchalantly pretended it was sort of okay. She caught me asleep with the brush, anything I fall asleep on/with my paw on is claimed for my Kingdom, so now she knows, I approve of the brush. It feels kinda nice, to be honest. Mum lost her own hairbrush and now Dad keeps teasing her that she will have to use the long hair brush side of my brush. In the end she looked under the bed and found it, which was a relief. That brush is mine.

In other news, I managed to fetch a stick twice, once I even brought it to Mum without being called repeatedly. I got too excited with my progress and had a Kai-smash moment, turns out when I shred sticks, we can no longer play with them. Mum lacks imagination here, surely she can do something to amuse me with a shredded stick, like she does with shredded chicken? Mmmm, chicken. This week was a roasted chicken week, the humans indulged in this thing they call 'alcohol' and put wet face flannels on their head and made sadfaces, I think Mum and Dad are losing it.

In Neighbourhood Dog Surveillance, Howling Husky is still watching me from the window now and again. He wants to come play when Mum takes me out but his humans must be really disobedient and don't let him out. Silly Spaniel is still using the grass in my Kingdom, which the humans call 'field' to play, but I think it is a little dim so I will let that pass. Dad got cross cos one of the OAP's let their yapper dog off the lead without apology and it got barky. I don't like the little dogs. Dad has to grin and bear it for the most part but it causes much discussion each week between Mum and Dad, who both agree that people do leave their dogs off leads too much. I am kept on a lead and only let off when there is clear space and Mum can grab me if she needs to. I suspect that my humans underestimate how beautiful I am to other humans, who must surely all want to pet and admire me. Maybe I have overprotective parents. Mum keeps talking about going to residents meeting to dob in the local dog fouler, she thinks there might be tea and cake and indignation. I'd like to go too, Grandma is not allowed to let me drink from her cup of tea anymore. I like wagging at old ladies too, when they have cake.

This concludes an exhausting week in the Kingdom. I must leave you to go roll my belly at someone and get it scratched.

This week, there has been more eye leaking from the humans. I am quickly learning that when humans leak from their eyes and make sadfaces, other human respond with a weak attempt to squish them. I am trying to promote taking this a canine step further into effectiveness, by persuading Dad to let me sit on Mum's head, not only squeezing out this salty leaking water, but also soothing her with the pressure of my belly, which must smell soothing to her. Dad is not so convinced about this.

Eye leaking has now been resolved, Mum and Dad seem to have restored some order within my Kingdom. It is a big deal for Mum to have been approved as 'Mum - chief purveyor of treats' and be allowed to live here and stroke my belly on a daily basis. I have no doubt how life enriching this will be for her; I can't imagine how she passed her time before Dad brought her home to me. Dad spent a fair bit of the time on the phone in the weeks before he went to inspect Mum, he returned sure that she had the adequate talents to be a thoroughly good Mum to me. She sent Dad home with a human cookie in a sandwich bag as he loves cookies, it was then I knew that this human would be a soft touch for feeding me treats too. She has a shiny mane of her own, a nice squishy cuddle and she isn't as afflicted by my gas as Dad is.

This week, Mum bought me toys. Her friends are teasing her that the Kong bone toy she bought me looks like a giant dildo. All I know is that treats get stuffed in the gaps and I have carried around and gnawed on it all yesterday. Mum was less enthusiastic about cleaning wet grass off it while the human next door watched lasciviously from the window. She will have to get over it because this toy in now my bestest toy.

Mum also bought new bedding. Dad and I have been sleeping on our old faithful pack bed for a few years now and I have thoroughly de fleaed it and rubbed myself all over it to break it into maximum comfort for us. I have graciously allowed the new bedding to remain, it is kinda of soft but it doesn't smell of me so the last few days have been lost in a flurry of snoozing, sleeping, napping and making sure it begins to smell like a pack bed again, not this odd 'Matalan' fresh scent. Mum loves Matalan, Dad has been buying her new toys with exotic names 'curtain rail' and 'paint testers' which Mum would wag her tail about if she had one. She is very easily pleased.

I have planned Mum's activities out when she moves in, I heard she has looked on here for treat recipes and between me and Dad, I am sure we can keep her baking us treats for much of the day, keeping her away from my hotspots of activity; sleeping, napping, snoozing, licking myself etc.

In Neighbourhood Dog Surveillance; troubling news. We saw two other staffies being walker, which Dad said were 'cute'. Then when I went out to play, the creature known as 'P Cat' resumed a sinister watching position, tweaking the curtain with it's paw. It must be watching me for weaknesses. If P Cat and I cannot continue the charade of P Cat living in mortal fear of me, then I will lose street cred.