Devastating News :(

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Hi guys

I haven't been on for a while, took me a long time to catch up on my "hello's" to the newbies

Over the last couple of weeks we've had some truly devastating news about our baby Knoxville.  I'll start from the beginning.

Around 8 weeks ago he had a nosebleed whilst out for a lovely walk on the field.  I put it down to him being nosey and shoving his face in all the bushes.  Thought nothing more of it.  Anywho, a couple of weeks later he had another nosebleed, this time after sneezing.  We took him to the vets and he was booked in for blood tests the following day.  Result of these came back as negative for everything they could test him for.

We were then referred to SATH in Liverpool (wonderful place).  They did a CT scan and a rhinoscopy and advised us to have a radiotherapy plan done just to be safe and so that if it turned out to be a tumour they didn't have to sedate him again to take a radiotherapy plan.  He had to stay overnight for two nights (broke my heart leaving him).

At the same time they decided to take a cytology of a little lump on his back that had appeared.  It took a week or so for the results to come back.  The cytology of the lump on his back showed he had a small carcinoma tumour which needed to be removed.  We've had the tumour on his back removed and it showed clear good cells around the removal area which is great news. The issue with his nose was more serious.  It was another carcinoma, quite a bad one.

We've been told that he can have radiotherapy but it's not a curable cancer and would only prolong his life.  The side affects of the radiotherapy are heartbreaking and because it's his nose they cannot protect the eye meaning there is a possibility of issues with his eyes and also the possibility of having to have his eye removed

I'm absolutely heartbroken.  We have opted for palliative care and have been told he has 2 -3 months left.  For me I just want him to be as comfortable as he possibly can in his final months with us here.  I cannot put him through the stress and pain of radiotherapy just for him to have a few more months.  I feel it's better for him to have a comfortable and good quality of life than a longer one, possibly without his vision and in pain from the radiotherapy.

Actually, heartbroken is an understatement to how I feel at the moment.  I'm absolutely devastated.

I'm back at work today for the first time in 4 weeks and I just want to be at home with my boy.

xxx

Oh Vicki my heart goes out to you. This must be absolutely soul destroying for you. It's obvious you love him and i really don't believe anyone would think you are doing this as you don't want him to be an inconvenience to you. You are stopping his pain. He is the one you are thinking about not yourself. I can read from the way you have written how hard it is for you. I can understand you not wanting him to be in pain, none of us would ever want our furbabies to suffer. I think a good way to look at it is the other way round. If you were in pain you would want him to help you. This is a very painful time in your life but we are all here for you. Love to both you and Knox.

Thank you all.

I'm still struggling with a decision. I'm going to see if I can get an appointment with my vet today to talk to her. He's sleeping at the moment. He seems to do a lot of sleeping recently

I feel that if the nosebleeds had continued Sunday Monday and today my decision would be a lot easier but he hasn't had one since Saturday but they are so unpredictable and horrific when they happen. Going back to work I'll just be worrying constantly about what I'm coming home to but he's still dancing around on his walks. Even though his legs hurt him such a bull headed breed that show no pain

It is extremely difficult to comprehend what you are going through at this moment in time, my heart goes out to you.
Unfortunately only you can answer the question as to when you think he has had enough and is suffering more than enjoying life. The problem there is you will question your decision, you will think 'what if' and that's only natural. There will be so many questions and double takes, it makes it immensely difficult to know what to do for the best at times.

As was mentioned I think quality of life over quantity is definitely priority and if his nosebleeds are increasing then is it time?

I'm sorry, its difficult even knowing what to type to offer some help or support but whatever your decision is, I know that no one on here would judge you either way. Only you know.

Hugs from Nita to Knox and hugs to you too. Be strong!

Thank you x

Heartbreaking feel for you all

The bravest step is taking it when their temporary condition is ok, had to take it for Murphy when he had megasophagus and could not keep food down but was still bouncing about; we knew he would deteriorate so we took the big step. Felt dreadful afterwards but time is the great healer and then we knew we had not let him suffer more. Only you will know the right time and I think you do. Love and hugs

x

Xxxxx

He's gone words can't explain how heart broken I am. He was my baby.

Thursday he had another terrible nosebleed. I wasn't with him but my other half was. He had it whilst out on a walk. He couldn't walk so my boyfriend had to carry him home. I came home to find him unable to stop the bleeding again. Got in the van to take him to vets and it stopped. Made the decision to have him pts on the Friday. I couldn't expect my mum to try and deal with the bleeds when I was at work and I have to go back Monday.

I feel awful, like I've let him down and i haven't stopped crying since. He means the world to me. We had him sedated prior to pts so that we could hold him whilst he fell to sleep. Hardest thing I've ever had to do as he was so fun loving all day Friday leading up to it. I held him in my arms as he slowly drifted off to sleep. He was dreaming with his little legs wiggling like he does most nights.

I feel like I've had my heart ripped out. I keep blaming myself and can't seem to deal with the fact he's gone. I feel awful. I've let him down :'(

So so sorry and hey you haven't let him down you have taken the pain away from him i'm sure he's watching over you, so sorry again x

I'm so sorry Vikki. Tears here for you and your boy. It's the worst feeling in the world having to let them go. But he's not uncomfortable or in pain now, and that is all that matters. You absolutely did not let him down, if you didn't care about his welfare, you wouldn't be feeling like you are now. You knew him better than anyone and did what you felt in your gut was right. Please look after yourself and let yourself grieve. We're all here xxxxx

I just don't know how to cope. I'm really struggling. It's upsetting my other half seeing me like this. I didn't see him cry this much when his mum and dad died. I'm absolutely devastated, we both are

Oh Vikki I'm so sorry I stupidly hoped you had few good days run.
Please don't ever feel you let Knox down in life or death you made the hardest choice and never lightheartedly .Knox was very lucky to have you
Thinking about you and big hugs from me and peppa.

I've never lost my own pet but had to put to sleep lots of dogs that I had spent time with at the RSPCA, I cried my eyes out every time and it would take me a while to get past that stage. Be there for eachother and do whatever feels good/right. If you want to sit and think about him, do that, if you want to keep busy and distract yourself do that too. Everybody deals with things differently, but I think now is a time to be a little selfish - don't worry about anybody else for now, you've lost a huge part of your life and losing a companion is such a traumatic thing to go through. Don't rush anything, just be kind to yourself. X

Of course you are upset . You don't have to pretend all is ok when you just had such a big loss. You will never forget him but with time the pain will become more bearable and you will be able to remember the good moments you share. We are all here for you

Oh Vikki I am so very sorry to read this. You haven't let Knox down at all, quiet the opposite. You let him fall asleep without being in pain and that is kindest thing he could have hoped for. If Knox could, I'm sure he would thank you.

You gave him a wonderful life and though it's easy for me to say, time is the only thing to help you through this pain. Eventually the pain drifts and is replaced with wonderful memories. He's left a huge Staffy paw print on your heart as they all do. You have my deepest sympathies at this sad time

You have done the hardest thing ever, but the right thing. Up until the end there is that vain hope that it'll get better and I think part of the guilt we feel when we let our dogs go is that we feel we've not let that hope work the miracle that wasn't there. But I promise you, you did do the right thing by Knox, even though you wake up in the middle of the night convinced otherwise.

It is normal. That's not to negate what you're feeling, but it is part of the tortuous process called grief. It will ease (and don't feel guilty for that either!), but in the meantime don't fight it. If you need to bawl, then bawl. I know it will upset your OH but you can't bottle it in. Cry together.

If you need to talk, we're here. Many of us have been where you are now and we can relate to the agony of loss. Don't feel you have to suffer alone. If you find you need to write stuff down, do. If you'd rather work it through yourself, then do that too. Whatever you need.

xxx

Oh Vikki tears here also, dont ever blame yourself hun you did what was best for Knox. No animal should suffer for our benefits and please grieve as you should. Much love and hugs from me and Vin hun Xxxx

We are so sorry to hear your very sad news Vikki.
You really did your best for the lad.
It is a horrible feeling when we have to let them go, but time is a great healer and the great memories you have will never leave you.
Lynn & Pete x

You have not let him down in the slightest. You put him and his feelings before your own. This is the hardest thing any one who loves an animal will ever have to do. Even thinking about it brings me to tears. You have been so strong. Please do not be hard on yourself, you loved Knox enough to not let him suffer. I can't imagine what you had to face yesterday as I have never had to go through this but i know it would have taken a huge amount of love and strength. I agree with Rachel now is the time for you to be selfish and just do whatever you need to. This is an awful time but remember the wonderful life you all had together and he is no longer suffering. X

so sorry and sad to read this vikki my heart goes out to u. You shouldnt feel bad knox was suffering . Run free at rainbow bridge knox .xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

Ah Vikki, i'm so sorry to hear what your going through, please remember you did the kindest thing for Knox. You loved him and gave him a wonderful life. It's going to feel so raw at the moment and my heart goes out to you. With grief comes the feelings of guilt, but you have to tell yourself that you did everything for your little boy. As time goes by the grief will get easier, but at the moment be kind to yourself and allow yourself to greive and remember everyone is here for you hun xxx

I am SO sorry for your loss Vikki, it has to be the worst feeling in the world. You need to know it's ok to grieve, take whatever time you want and deal with it however you feel at the time, even if that means just falling apart over & over. Knox is a big part of your life, and is resting now free from pain, you can't have any guilt for that and in time will know this was for the best for him. No words will make you feel any better, I just wanted you to know we are all thinking of you and are here any time you need to offload xoxox

I'm so sorry for your loss. I know it doesn't feel like it at the moment, but you did the right thing even though it was so terribly difficult.

Tears here too. You have not let him down at all Vikki, quite the opposite. You did the kindest thing you could for a pooch that is suffering. I know the feeling though afterwards. Please know that we are all here for you and you cry as bloody much as you want to.
Knox was so lucky to have you as I am sure you were to have him too.
Try and look back at the good times you had with him and the paw prints he left on your life.

xx

i'm so sorry to hear this awful news and my heart goes out to you..Many years ago, my lovely boy Jack had a growth to the side of his nose on his lip. it grew quite large and was a carcinoma..thankfully it was removed, and although he was scarred we had many happy years with him...
The stress and worry was unbelievable so i have some idea of what you must be going through. Cherish every moment and have as much fun as possible with. I would also take videos and photos of him....
Be strong. Kindest regards
x

Thanks for the kind words.

He's back home with us now in his forever resting place under the TV in the chimney breast.  I have a friend of mine making him a casket and when I can bring myself to do it I'll be having some of his ashes made into a tribute ring so that he's always walking with me.

I miss him terribly

Aww vikki thats fabulous and a lovely tribute didnt realise you could have a stone made from your dog ashes but did with a humans. Its natural you will miss him hopefully in time things will get easier xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

I hope so sometimes I'm ok, when I'm busy, but there are times when I'm home and I'll do or say something and then think oh where's Knox, then I remember. I can't bring myself to get rid of his stuff yet either so his coat and lead/collar are still on his doggy bum peg, his toys are in the corner of the room in his toy box and both his beds are still where they were. Even his water and food dish are still out :S x

Oh Vikki, my heart goes out to you. If you can just try to remember the happy times you both had and by the sounds of it there were many. Just because you cant see him, I believe his spirit is still with you and I'm sure he is happy not to be in pain. Take all the time you need and don't feel pressured to do things in a certain time, like getting rid of his toys etc. There is no rule to say you ever have to get rid of them, just do whatever you feel like. My thoughts are with you x

Thanks Emma. Now he's back it all feels so final. I just stare at the little box and can't believe my little chunky monkey takes up so little space

I just keep going over and over in my head the moment I held him as he fell asleep on my lap, he was dreaming and doing his usual little squeaks and kicking his legs. It broke my heart to have to walk out of that room knowing that I'd never get to see him again. Still feel so bad about it all.

Sounds strange but I think if his illness had been really apparent then it would of been easier to deal with. It was just those horrific nose bleeds :'( x

My poor baby x

I would keep his things then u can smile and think of his antics

Much love hun memories are there for a reason Xxxx

Heart goes out to you Vikki, lost my darling Reggie to the exact same thing. Devastating. My thoughts are with you.

Thank you all xxx

My heart is broken for you and I am crying tears for you. I am so so sorry. There are no words to make you feel better I know this hurt as I experienced it too. You did the right thing. Again I am so sorry my deepest and most sincere condolences. HUGS!

Thanks Brandy. I think about him every day. I can't listen to certain songs as they remind me of him, as daft as that sounds!

I know it was the right thing, doesn't make it any easier but I know he'll forgive me.

xxx

Thats not daft vikki its as your tattoo says they leave a paw print on your heart were always here for you hen hugs from me and mia aka the auld wife

Thanks hun xx

Xxx

Sending love and hugs Vikki - I lost my beautiful staffy last year through bloody cancer and still cry for her now even tho I have a beautiful new boy. They are so special and never leave your hearts..You've given Knox so much love and care and it's going to be really really hard for you to say goodbye but it's so quick and the vets are lovely and understanding. You're doing the right thing believe me. We decided one morning that the time had come - something just tells you inside that your baby has had enough of this life and wants to go to sleep. You'll meet again one day xxx

Thanks Jenny. We said goodbye to Knox on 12th June hun. Hardest decision of our lives but he's at peace now and you're right we'll meet again sometime over rainbow bridge xxx

Your avatar would be lovely as a canvas or indeed a picture in a nice frame.

VikkiGT4 wrote:Thanks Jenny.  We said goodbye to Knox on 12th June hun.  Hardest decision of our lives but he's at peace now and you're right we'll meet again sometime over rainbow bridge xxx

Oh I'm so sorry - I didn't read the posts properly. This is typical of me ............my thoughts are with you anyway xx

Thanks Hen. I have two canvasses of him - well both drawings that my Mum had done when we were on holiday last year. I'll try and upload them

Thanks Jenny - it's fine, I'm the same, I just scan posts xxx

They realistic one is hanging up on my stairs and I haven't found a place for the caricature one yet - probably go in the front bedroom once it's decorated x

Those pictures are fantastic Vikki, your Mum certainly has some talent there !

Wish it was my Mum that drew them lol she has a friend that does them I love them

Oh wow they are both fantastic, how lifelike is the 'realistic' one !!! Very very cool tribute x