Children and dealing with death

How do your kids handle the death of your fur kids?  

My 9 year old daughter again lost another of her brothers this week and we've come to the conclusion that having our dogs ashes with us really helps her.
Even though she is still devastated at our recent loss, having them so close is comforting. In away, it is for us adults too.

We got our Marcos ashes back yesterday afternoon and she set up his crate that he used to sleep in every night with the ashes of Kostya and surrounded by their friends.   I should say that Marco did come home in an urn but she was not impressed that he was put in there and requested that we put him in what he is in now until we get back to Spain in a few weeks and we can get him a box like Kostyas.  

It's so hard for anybody to lose such a great friend as a dog, but children, I think, feel it on a different level.

Mine were both a bit too young to really understand when my last boy died (5 & 3 years old), but both missed him terribly.

I find the hardest thing is trying to explain why.

Why were they ill
Why did they die
Why couldn't more have been done
Why have they been taken away from them

There just never seems to be a good answer to any of those.

Caryll wrote:It's so hard for anybody to lose such a great friend as a dog, but children, I think, feel it on a different level.

Mine were both a bit too young to really understand when my last boy died (5 & 3 years old), but both missed him terribly.

I find the hardest thing is trying to explain why.

Why were they ill
Why did they die
Why couldn't more have been done
Why have they been taken away from them

There just never seems to be a good answer to any of those.

I think the reason why they feel it differently is because they've never had to experience a loss like that before and nothing really bad or as devastating has happened for them to experience such grief. Yes those WHY questions are hard ones to answer and ones Angel asked us last year when Kostya passed. Even though Kostya was an old boy when he passed, Angel sort of understood but it still didn't make it any easier. But with Marco being so young, that was something she found harder deal with it. When he went to the clinic last saturday, we did tell that he was really sick and that he needed the IV treatment to help fight the blood parasites as well as to get fluids, aminos and vitamins into him to help get him better but there was a chance he might not make it. I don't think it really hit her until we went to the clinic to see him and I started crying because I could see our boy was in a real bad way. She knew then that he wasn't going to make and I couldn't lie to her when she asked me if he was going to die

When our daughter was 5, we actually had to put our 5 year old female Zoe to sleep after she totally flipped and tried to attack my husband and our maid back in Thailand. Never before had we seen a dog just turn like that - the psychotic crazed look in her eyes was not that of our girl and not even 5 minutes later, she switched back to her usual loving self like nothing happened. Zoe had contracted leptospirosis after eating an infected rat and hadn't been well for a while and even though she was being treated, the vet warned us that this could happen to her. We had to make the heartbreaking decision then to put her to sleep. Angel was at school when this happened and when she got home and asked where Zoe was, we lied and told her that she had to go to America with her boyfriend Tequila (a friends male dogo who passed away suddenly due to heart problems and who Angel also loved like her own). She was so upset with us for letting Zoe go away with Tequila to "America" to go and live on the farm so they can have babies and still to this day we still haven't been able to tell her the truth. She gets upset that we've lost contact with the people taking care of Zoe and Tequila but knows that they are very happy living together.

I don't have any children so this isn't something I will have to go through. It must be a very hard thing though to explain to a child that their friend is no longer there for them.

I do have a nephew though and his parents have now divorced. His mother was living with a partner for a while who bought my nephew a dog an EBT. They then spilt up and the guy took the dog with him, the little lad was heart broken. His Mum then went out and got another one for him.

I am so sorry for the losses of your dogs, Diane. May they all be playing together now at Rainbow Bridge      

It sounds as if your daughter is being quite balanced about her loss, and although having a loved one's ashes in a shrine is something some might find difficult to cope with (including me, I have to say), it does give a focus for the outlet of grief and a sense of closure, which is important.

It depends on the age of the child of course, and what conception they have of death at the time. It does help if they have previously come across the dead body of an animal or bird that they weren't attached to (easier in the country than in a town). With my own children, they had small animals such as guinea pigs and rabbits which died before our dogs did, and I did find that explaining to the children that this particular pet had come to the end of its life and then let the children see the dead body and give it a last stroke to say goodbye was a great help. As anyone who has ever said goodbye to a loved one in this way will know, the "spirit", "soul" of whatever you want to call the life force of the particular loved one and which made them loved, is gone to a better place and that all that is left is an empty shell - looks a bit like them but is not "them". This can be felt and absorbed if not immediately understood, but does give some closure, although grief must still be accepted and worked through.

I love your honesty and openness.

I haven't got kids, nor am I yet to loose a dog, my first is alive but with an ex now I have Moo. I dread the day I have to face it.

As Janey says your openness and honesty is endearing, I don't have kids of my own but 3 step children so guess one day it will have to be dealt with.  

Lynda wrote:I am so sorry for the losses of your dogs, Diane. May they all be playing together now at Rainbow Bridge      

It sounds as if your daughter is being quite balanced about her loss, and although having a loved one's ashes in a shrine is something some might find difficult to cope with (including me, I have to say), it does give a focus for the outlet of grief and a sense of closure, which is important.

It depends on the age of the child of course, and what conception they have of death at the time.  It does help if they have previously come across the dead body of an animal or bird that they weren't attached to (easier in the country than in a town).  With my own children, they had small animals such as guinea pigs and rabbits which died before our dogs did, and I did find that explaining to the children that this particular pet had come to the end of its life and then let the children see the dead body and give it a last stroke to say goodbye was a great help.  As anyone who has ever said goodbye to a loved one in this way will know, the "spirit", "soul" of whatever you want to call the life force of the particular loved one and which made them loved, is gone to a better place and that all that is left is an empty shell - looks a bit like them but is not "them". This can be felt and absorbed if not immediately understood, but does give some closure, although grief must still be accepted and worked through.

Absolutely love your thoughts on this subject.

If you ask Angel, she will tell you that they are most definitely playing together at the Rainbow Bridge and she's looking forward to day in many years to come to be with them together forever.

Having their ashes close to her is definitely her thing. I've joked with my husband that when we die, I can see her putting us side by side with all her dogs that have passed  

We are very fortunate to have such a mature and balanced girl. We are very proud of her as parents and think her growing up with dogs all her life is why she is like this. She has always been empathetic, thoughtful and considerate of others feelings and we know without a doubt thats it because we taught her to be all those things with her dogs from the very beginning.

Angel sounds like a lovely girl, and I'm sure it's not only due to the dogs but also to her upbringing by her caring parents.

I hope that you are all gradually coming to terms with your sadness, and when the time feels right you will welcome another furbaby to your family.

 s to you all