Christmas Health & Safety Review....

WHILE SHEPHERDS WATCHED THEIR FLOCKS

While shepherds watched their flocks by night All seated on the ground, The Angel of the Lord came down, And Glory shone around.

The Union of Shepherds has complained that it breaches Health & Safety Regulations to insist the shepherds watch their flocks without appropriate seating arrangements being provided! Therefore, benches, stools and orthopaedic chairs must be made available.

Shepherds have also requested that, due to inclement weather they should watch their flocks via CCTV cameras within centrally heated shepherd observation huts.

The Angel of the Lord is reminded that before shining his/her Glory all around, the shepherds must be issued with glasses capable of filtering any harmful effects of UVA, UVB and Glory lighting.


LITTLE DONKEY

Little donkey, little donkey on the dusty road, Got to keep on plodding onwards, with your precious load.

The RSPCA has issued strict guidelines with regard to how heavy a load a donkey of small stature is permitted to carry. Also in the guidelines are the stated permitted feeding breaks, and at least one rest break must be taken in a four-hour plodding period.

Due to the risk of pollution from the dusty road, Mary and Joseph are required to wear facemasks.

The 'Little Donkey' has expressed his discomfort at being labelled 'Little' and would prefer to be referred to as 'Mr Donkey'. Comments upon his height or otherwise are considered to be a breach of his equine rights.


WE THREE KINGS

We three Kings of Orient are,
Bearing gifts we traverse afar,
Field and fountain,
Moor and Mountain,
Following yonder star.

Whilst the gift of Gold is still considered acceptable - as it may be redeemed at a later date through such organisations as 'Cash4Gold' etc., gifts of Frankincense and Myrrh are not appropriate due to the risk of oils and fragrances causing allergic reactions. An acceptable alternative might be a gift voucher.

It is not recommended that traversing Kings should rely on star navigation, we advise the use of AA RouteFinder or Sat Nav. Both can provide the quickest route and advise on fuel consumption.

As in the case of Mr. Donkey, the three camels require regular rest and food breaks and facemasks for the three Kings are obligatory due to the desert dust disturbed by the camel's hooves.


THE ROCKING CAROL

Little Jesus sweetly sleep, do not stir, We will lend a coat of fur, We will rock you, rock you, rock you, We will rock you, rock you, rock you,

Fur is no longer appropriate wear for small infants due to the risk of allergy and for ethical reasons. Therefore, false fur, a cellular blanket or, perhaps, micro-fleece material should be considered alternatives.

Please note that, only persons who have been subject to a Criminal Records Bureau (CRB) check and have enhanced clearance will be permitted to rock Baby Jesus. Persons must carry their CRB disclosure at all times and be prepared to provide three forms of identification before any rocking commences.


JINGLE BELLS

Dashing through the snow on a one-horse open sleigh, Over fields we go - laughing all the way.

A Risk Assessment must be submitted before an open sleigh is considered safe for members of the public to ride. The Risk Assessment should also consider whether the use of only one horse is sufficient - particularly if passengers are of larger proportions.

Permission from landowners must be gained before entering any 'Open Fields'.

To avoid offending those not participating in the venture, it is required that 'moderate' laughter is used at a noise level unlikely to be of nuisance to others. All dashing and laughing should be complete by 11pm.


RUDOLPH THE RED NOSED REINDEER

Rudolph the red-nosed reindeer, had a very shiny nose, And if you ever saw it, you would even say it glows, All of the other reindeer used to laugh and call him names, They never let poor Rudolph join in any reindeer games.

You are advised that, under the Equal Opportunities Policy, it is inappropriate for persons to make comment upon the ruddiness of any part of Mr. R. Reindeer. Name-calling contravenes our Anti-Bullying policy, and further to this, the exclusion of Mr. R. Reindeer from any reindeer games will be considered discriminatory and disciplinary action will be taken against anyone found guilty of this offence.


AWAY IN A MANGER

Away in a manger - no crib for a bed...

Refer to Social Services immediately![/

not too far from the truth though

Good fun,

Health & *ing Safety would have a field day if the story of Jesus happened now.

I really hope thats a joke