Just emailed
Just emailed
by Guest Wed Sep 07 2011, 21:55
My mate just emailed me a load of Jokes
Signs that you are too drunk would be...
•You lose arguments with inanimate objects.
•You have to hold onto the lawn to keep from falling off the earth.
•Job interfering with your drinking.
•Your doctor finds traces of blood in your alcohol stream.
•Career won't progress beyond Senator of Massachusetts.
•The back of your head keeps getting hit by the toilet seat.
•Sincerely believe alcohol to be the elusive 5th food group.
•24 hours in a day, 24 beers in a case - coincidence?? - I think not!
•Two hands and just one mouth... - now THAT'S a drinking problem!
•You can focus better with one eye closed.
•The parking lot seems to have moved while you were in the bar.
•Your twin sons are named Barley and Hops.
•Hey, 5 beers has just as many calories as a burger, screw dinner!
•Mosquitoes catch a buzz after attacking you
•At AA meetings you begin: "Hi, my name is... uh..."
•Your idea of cutting back is less salt.
•You wake up in the bedroom, your underwear is in the bathroom, you fell asleep clothed. - hmmm.
•The whole bar says 'Hi' when you come in...
We've all at one time or another given our best try at tongue twisters, have a look through this funny list and see how you do...
Randy wondered why Willie really wasn't well.
Sam saw six shiny silver spoons.
Giddy gophers greedily gobble gooey goodies.
Slippery slimy snakes slide slowly.
Six shiny snails sighed sadly.
Pretty Patty Piggy pickles plump pink peppers.
Cheryl say Cher's sheer shawl Sunday.
Six seals slick sick seals.
How much dope could the dope dealer deal if the dope dealer could deal dope?
Sheep shouldn't sleep in shacks.
I slitted a sheet, a sheet i slit now i sit on the sheet i slit.
I wish I had an Irish wrist watch to watch on my Irish wrist.
Stick a sticker where its sticky where a sticker once was stuck.
She sells sea shells by the sea shore
Sure, the ship's ship-shape sir!
Does the wristwatch shop shut soon?
Try saying these 10 times fast...
Caution Golfers Crossing
Sun Shine City
Toy Boat
Unique New York
Mixed Biscuits
Red Leather, Yellow Leather
Q. Did you hear about the guy who lost his left arm and leg in a car crash?
A. He's all right now.
Q. Did you hear about the man who was tap dancing?
A. He broke his ankle when he fell into the sink.
Q. What lies at the bottom of the ocean and twitches?
A. A nervous wreck.
Q. What's the difference between roast beef and pea soup?
A. Anyone can roast beef.
Q. Where do you find a no legged dog?
A. Right where you left him.
Q. Where do you get virgin wool from?
A. Ugly sheep.
Q. Why do bagpipers walk when they play?
A. They're trying to get away from the noise.
Q. What does Star Trek and toilet paper have in common?
A. They both circle Uranus looking for Black Holes.
Q. How do you double the value of a Geo Metro?
A. Fill it with gas.
Q. What's the definition of mixed emotions?
A. When you see your mother-in-law backing off a cliff in your new car.
Q. Why do chicken coops have two doors?
A. Because if it had four doors it's be a chicken sedan.
You should always give 100% at work...
12% Monday; 23% Tuesday; 40% Wednesday; 20% Thursday; 5% Friday
Q. What do you call a cow with no legs?
A. Ground beef.
Q. What's the difference between an oral and a rectal thermometer?
A. The taste!
Q. Did you hear about the new "divorced" Barbie doll that they're selling in stores now?
A. It comes with all of Ken's stuff.
Q. What does a skeleton get when he goes to a bar?
A. A beer and a mop.
Q. What do you call Maoris on Prozac?
A. Once were worriers.
Q. What's a hindu?
A. Lays eggs.
Q. How many men does it take to wallpaper a room?
A. About two - if they're thinly sliced.
Q. What do you call a man with no arms or legs that can swim across a pool?
A. Clever *
Q. What's the difference between a porcupine and a Porsche?
A. The porcupine has the pricks on the outside.
Q. How many ears did Davy Crockett have?
A. Three - his left ear, his right ear, and his wild front ear.
Q. Did you hear about the blind man who went bungee jumping?
A. He loved it, but it scared the hell out of his dog.
Q. Why did the leper crash his car?
A. He left his foot on the accelerator.
Q. What do you do if you come across a tiger in the jungle?
A. Wipe him off, apologize and RUN!
Q. What do you do if an elephant comes through your window?
A. Swim!
Q. Why did the koala fall out of the tree?
A. Because it was dead.
Q. Why did the Leper go back into the shower?
A. He forgot his Head and Shoulders.
Q. What do you get when a Leper takes a bath?
A. Soup.
Q. Why did the ref call a penalty during the Leper Hockey game?
A. Because there was a face off in the corner.
Q. What's a Lepers favorite sport?
A. Football.
Q. What is Osama bin Laden's idea of safe sex?
A. Marking the camels that kick.
Q. What should Kabul get for its air defense system?
A. A refund.
Q. Why did the tree fall down?
A. The koala forgot to let go.
Q. How many male chauvinist pigs does it take to change a light bulb?
A. None, let the bitch cook in the dark.
Q. What do you do if a bird shits on your car?
A. Don't ask her out again.
Q. What do you call 100 men at the bottom of the ocean?
A. A good start.
Q. What's the difference between a woman and a computer?
A. A computer only needs the information punched into it once.
Q. Why don't cannibals eat clowns?
A. Because they taste funny.
Q. What do you call a deer with no eyes?
A. No-Eye Deer. (sound like No Idea)
Q. What do you call a deer with no eyes and no legs?
A. Still no eye deer.
Q. What do you call a deer with no eyes, no legs, and no sexual organs?
A. Still no * eye deer.
Q. Why are women like condoms?
A. They spend 90% of their time in your wallet, and 10% on your *.
Q. What can a lifesaver do for a woman a man can't?
A. Cum in five different flavours.
Q. Who is the poorest guy in West Virginia?
A. The Tooth Fairy
Q. Did you hear that Fed Ex and UPS are going to merge?
A. Yeah. They're going to call it FED UP!
Q. What's the difference between a car salesman and a computer salesman?
A. The car salesman can probably drive!
Q. Did you hear about the guy who's a dyslexic-bulimic?
A. He eats, and then he sticks his finger up his *.
Q. What do your boss and a slinky have in common?
A. They're both fun to watch tumble down the stairs.
Signs that you are too drunk would be...
•You lose arguments with inanimate objects.
•You have to hold onto the lawn to keep from falling off the earth.
•Job interfering with your drinking.
•Your doctor finds traces of blood in your alcohol stream.
•Career won't progress beyond Senator of Massachusetts.
•The back of your head keeps getting hit by the toilet seat.
•Sincerely believe alcohol to be the elusive 5th food group.
•24 hours in a day, 24 beers in a case - coincidence?? - I think not!
•Two hands and just one mouth... - now THAT'S a drinking problem!
•You can focus better with one eye closed.
•The parking lot seems to have moved while you were in the bar.
•Your twin sons are named Barley and Hops.
•Hey, 5 beers has just as many calories as a burger, screw dinner!
•Mosquitoes catch a buzz after attacking you
•At AA meetings you begin: "Hi, my name is... uh..."
•Your idea of cutting back is less salt.
•You wake up in the bedroom, your underwear is in the bathroom, you fell asleep clothed. - hmmm.
•The whole bar says 'Hi' when you come in...
We've all at one time or another given our best try at tongue twisters, have a look through this funny list and see how you do...
Randy wondered why Willie really wasn't well.
Sam saw six shiny silver spoons.
Giddy gophers greedily gobble gooey goodies.
Slippery slimy snakes slide slowly.
Six shiny snails sighed sadly.
Pretty Patty Piggy pickles plump pink peppers.
Cheryl say Cher's sheer shawl Sunday.
Six seals slick sick seals.
How much dope could the dope dealer deal if the dope dealer could deal dope?
Sheep shouldn't sleep in shacks.
I slitted a sheet, a sheet i slit now i sit on the sheet i slit.
I wish I had an Irish wrist watch to watch on my Irish wrist.
Stick a sticker where its sticky where a sticker once was stuck.
She sells sea shells by the sea shore
Sure, the ship's ship-shape sir!
Does the wristwatch shop shut soon?
Try saying these 10 times fast...
Caution Golfers Crossing
Sun Shine City
Toy Boat
Unique New York
Mixed Biscuits
Red Leather, Yellow Leather
Q. Did you hear about the guy who lost his left arm and leg in a car crash?
A. He's all right now.
Q. Did you hear about the man who was tap dancing?
A. He broke his ankle when he fell into the sink.
Q. What lies at the bottom of the ocean and twitches?
A. A nervous wreck.
Q. What's the difference between roast beef and pea soup?
A. Anyone can roast beef.
Q. Where do you find a no legged dog?
A. Right where you left him.
Q. Where do you get virgin wool from?
A. Ugly sheep.
Q. Why do bagpipers walk when they play?
A. They're trying to get away from the noise.
Q. What does Star Trek and toilet paper have in common?
A. They both circle Uranus looking for Black Holes.
Q. How do you double the value of a Geo Metro?
A. Fill it with gas.
Q. What's the definition of mixed emotions?
A. When you see your mother-in-law backing off a cliff in your new car.
Q. Why do chicken coops have two doors?
A. Because if it had four doors it's be a chicken sedan.
You should always give 100% at work...
12% Monday; 23% Tuesday; 40% Wednesday; 20% Thursday; 5% Friday
Q. What do you call a cow with no legs?
A. Ground beef.
Q. What's the difference between an oral and a rectal thermometer?
A. The taste!
Q. Did you hear about the new "divorced" Barbie doll that they're selling in stores now?
A. It comes with all of Ken's stuff.
Q. What does a skeleton get when he goes to a bar?
A. A beer and a mop.
Q. What do you call Maoris on Prozac?
A. Once were worriers.
Q. What's a hindu?
A. Lays eggs.
Q. How many men does it take to wallpaper a room?
A. About two - if they're thinly sliced.
Q. What do you call a man with no arms or legs that can swim across a pool?
A. Clever *
Q. What's the difference between a porcupine and a Porsche?
A. The porcupine has the pricks on the outside.
Q. How many ears did Davy Crockett have?
A. Three - his left ear, his right ear, and his wild front ear.
Q. Did you hear about the blind man who went bungee jumping?
A. He loved it, but it scared the hell out of his dog.
Q. Why did the leper crash his car?
A. He left his foot on the accelerator.
Q. What do you do if you come across a tiger in the jungle?
A. Wipe him off, apologize and RUN!
Q. What do you do if an elephant comes through your window?
A. Swim!
Q. Why did the koala fall out of the tree?
A. Because it was dead.
Q. Why did the Leper go back into the shower?
A. He forgot his Head and Shoulders.
Q. What do you get when a Leper takes a bath?
A. Soup.
Q. Why did the ref call a penalty during the Leper Hockey game?
A. Because there was a face off in the corner.
Q. What's a Lepers favorite sport?
A. Football.
Q. What is Osama bin Laden's idea of safe sex?
A. Marking the camels that kick.
Q. What should Kabul get for its air defense system?
A. A refund.
Q. Why did the tree fall down?
A. The koala forgot to let go.
Q. How many male chauvinist pigs does it take to change a light bulb?
A. None, let the bitch cook in the dark.
Q. What do you do if a bird shits on your car?
A. Don't ask her out again.
Q. What do you call 100 men at the bottom of the ocean?
A. A good start.
Q. What's the difference between a woman and a computer?
A. A computer only needs the information punched into it once.
Q. Why don't cannibals eat clowns?
A. Because they taste funny.
Q. What do you call a deer with no eyes?
A. No-Eye Deer. (sound like No Idea)
Q. What do you call a deer with no eyes and no legs?
A. Still no eye deer.
Q. What do you call a deer with no eyes, no legs, and no sexual organs?
A. Still no * eye deer.
Q. Why are women like condoms?
A. They spend 90% of their time in your wallet, and 10% on your *.
Q. What can a lifesaver do for a woman a man can't?
A. Cum in five different flavours.
Q. Who is the poorest guy in West Virginia?
A. The Tooth Fairy
Q. Did you hear that Fed Ex and UPS are going to merge?
A. Yeah. They're going to call it FED UP!
Q. What's the difference between a car salesman and a computer salesman?
A. The car salesman can probably drive!
Q. Did you hear about the guy who's a dyslexic-bulimic?
A. He eats, and then he sticks his finger up his *.
Q. What do your boss and a slinky have in common?
A. They're both fun to watch tumble down the stairs.
Guest- Guest
Re: Just emailed
by Guest Wed Sep 07 2011, 22:10
Those Are awesome, gonna get my kids to try the tongue twisters tomorrow 
>
>
Guest- Guest
Re: Just emailed
by janey Thu Sep 08 2011, 09:32
The alcohol one made me pmsl! Some very true lines in there
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