A ridiculous joke I just heard

Fred, Velma, Shaggy....can you name one of the big 5 African animals?

Rhino!

Yes, we know you do Scooby, but its not your turn yet.


No idea why but this made me laugh way too much.

not bad

Love it!

Q) Where did Napolean hide his armies?
A) In his sleevies!

Oh Goblin

Lol oh dear ;-)

Q) What's red and sits in the corner?
A) A naughty strawberry.

Whats black white and red all over?

A violent Penguin?

... Best thread for ages

Mia05 wrote:Whats black white and red all over?

a sun burnt penguin

Q What's the last thing to go through a fly's mind as it hits your windscreen ?












A...its bum 

Why did the baker have brown hands?

Because he 'kneaded' a poo!

2 fish are in a tank one fish says to the other " how do you drive this thing?"

Why can't you play cards in the jungle?

Mia05 wrote:Why can't you play cards in the jungle?

Too many cheetahs about

Why didn't the skeleton go to the disco?

These are great! Crystal why didn't the skeleton go to the disco?...

He had no body to go with

Knock knock

I might regret this
Who's there ?

Bear

Bear who?

Bear bottom

Heard this one today....

"Hi Steve"

This is Peter next door. I’m sorry buddy, but I have a confession to make to you. I've been riddled with guilt these past few months and have been trying to pluck up the courage to tell you to your face, but I am at least now telling in text as I can’t live with myself a moment longer without you knowing. The truth is, I have been sharing your wife, day and night when you're not around. In fact, probably more than you, particularly in the mornings after you've left for work. I haven’t been getting it at home recently, but that's no excuse I know. The temptation was just too much… I can no longer live with the guilt and I hope you will accept my sincerest apologies and forgive me. I promise that it won't happen again.

Regards, Peter

THE ACTIONS

Steve, feeling anguished and betrayed, immediately went into his bedroom, grabbed his gun, and without a word, shot his wife twice, killing her instantly. He returned to the lounge where he poured himself a stiff drink and sat down on the sofa. He took out his phone to respond to the neighbour's text and saw he had another message:-

THE REPLY

Hi Steve This is Peter next door again. Sorry about the slight typo on my last text, I expect you worked it out anyway, but as I’m sure you noticed, my predictive text changed ‘WiFi’ To ‘Wife’. Technology hey?!? Hope you saw the funny side of that. Regards, Peter”

Pmsl

How do you find Will Smith in the snow?
Look for the Fresh Prints.

Brill col

What do u call a one eyed dear?

A Family Barbecue

A lovely sunny day and everyone enjoying themselves including granny. Now, this old lady was unable to speak but normally wrote notes down on a pad when she wished to speak. She was sitting quietly watching all the guests when she suddenly leaned to one side. A guest noticed this and got a cushion to prop her back up.  Same thing happened shortly after but she leaned over to the other side.  Again, another guest propped her back up with a cushion and this happened two or three times when her grandson asked if she was ok.

She scribbled on her pad -  "I'm fine but I've been trying to fart all afternoon with no luck"

A dog walks into a bar and hops up on a stool. He looks the bartender straight in the eye and says, "Hey, guess what? I can talk. Have you ever seen a talking dog before? Amazing, right? How about a drink?”

The bartender thinks for a moment and says, "Sure, the toilet’s right around the corner.”

A man and his pet giraffe walk into a bar and start drinking. As the night goes on, they get drunk, and the giraffe finally passes out. The man decides to go home.

As he's leaving, the man is approached by the barkeeper who says, "Hey, you're not gonna leave that lyin' here, are ya?"

"Hmph," says the man. "That's not a lion -- it's a giraffe."

A panda walks into a restaurant, sits down, and orders a sandwich. He eats the sandwich, pulls out a gun, and shoots the waiter dead. As the panda stands up to go, the manager shouts, "Hey! Where are you going? You just shot my waiter, and you didn't even pay for your sandwich!"

"Hey, man, I'm a PANDA!" the panda shouts back. "Look it up!"

The manager opens his dictionary and reads: "Panda: a tree-dwelling mammal of Asian origin, characterized by distinct black and white coloring. Eats shoots and leaves."

here's my favourite ever joke

A guy goes into a seafood restaurant and asks to see the dishes of the day. The waiter wheels over a trolley and the man examines the dishes.

"I'll have the little green squid with the hairy lip, please" says the man. "O.K." replies the waiter and calls out "Gervais!"

A little French chef appears with a large knife, the waiter instructs the chef to kill the little green squid with the hairy lip.

Gervais is just about to slice at the poor squid when he notices a tear running down its face. Gervais is touched, and admits that he hasn't the heart to kill the squid.

"Not to worry" says the waiter, and calls out "Hans!!" at which an enormous German bloke comes out of the kitchen. "Sir", says the waiter, "this is Hans, the dishwasher. Hans, kill that squid!"

The dishwasher wields a huge rolling pin and is just about to bludgeon the little green squid with the hairy lip when it cringes back and gives a little cry.

"I am sorry sir, I just cannot kill the squid" Hans admits, his lower lip trembling.

"Well sir," says the waiter, "it just goes to show.

That Hans that do dishes, can be soft as Gervais. With mild green, hairy lip squid!"

Breaking news:- Chris Eubanks has just written a book about ethics,
if it's a success his next one will be about Kent.

What do you call a one eyed dear, Mia?

VikkiGT4 wrote:here's my favourite ever joke

A guy goes into a seafood restaurant and asks to see the dishes of the day. The waiter wheels over a trolley and the man examines the dishes.

"I'll have the little green squid with the hairy lip, please" says the man. "O.K." replies the waiter and calls out "Gervais!"

A little French chef appears with a large knife, the waiter instructs the chef to kill the little green squid with the hairy lip.

Gervais is just about to slice at the poor squid when he notices a tear running down its face. Gervais is touched, and admits that he hasn't the heart to kill the squid.

"Not to worry" says the waiter, and calls out "Hans!!" at which an enormous German bloke comes out of the kitchen. "Sir", says the waiter, "this is Hans, the dishwasher. Hans, kill that squid!"

The dishwasher wields a huge rolling pin and is just about to bludgeon the little green squid with the hairy lip when it cringes back and gives a little cry.

"I am sorry sir, I just cannot kill the squid" Hans admits, his lower lip trembling.

"Well sir," says the waiter, "it just goes to show.

That Hans that do dishes, can be soft as Gervais. With mild green, hairy lip squid!"

Haizum74 wrote:What do you call a one eyed dear, Mia?

no ideer

How do u know theres an elephant under your bed? Your nose is stuck to the ceiling .

NEWS JUST IN - From September, Euros will be printed on Greece Proof Paper/

Why can’t you hear a pterodactyl go to the bathroom? Because the “P” is silent.

. Why can’t a bike stand on its own? It’s two tired.

Q: Did you hear about the race between the lettuce and the tomato? A: The lettuce was a "head" and the tomato was trying to "ketchup"!

Q: What do you call a laughing motorcycle? A: A Yamahahaha