2 months on but it still hurts.

I having been considering posting in this section since I joined the forum and now feel ready to share my story.
It may help with other memebers struggling with losing their best pal also.

Zac was put to sleep on 12th August. He was 15yrs and 6 months and I had him from 6 months old.
His pic is in my avatar. I miss him so much.
I loved Zac like a son. he was such a loyal friendly loveable boy, a true Staff and he brought a level of affection that no person has ever brought and I dont know whether any other pet will be like him.

All was well with him until early Jan this year when he suddenly collapsed in the kitchen one morning. I took him to the vets and they informed me that he had a level 4/5 heart murmor, Cateracts which I suspected although his vision appeared ok to me and they also supsected he had Cushings disease. We decided to do some tests for the Cushings as its treatable but after 2 seperate appointmenets/blood tests the results were inconclusive and I didnt want to put him through the stress.

A few months later he collapsed again. When he collapsed he would lay on his side for a couple of minutes then come round and after 5 mins or so he would be back on his feet like nothing had happened.
The collapsing began to become regular like once a week and another visit to the vets was needed. They suggested some anti seizure meds and advised me of the side effects. I decided against them as the vet wasnt sure what could be wrong. He suspected a brain tumor or something wrong with his respiratory system. He mentioned MRI scans and other tests but said Zac would be too old to go through any surgery. I took Zac home and I was pretty distraught.
The following week the seizures became more frequent, sometimes 2-3 a day which was very distressing for us to see. The vet and I then decided on the antiseizure drugs and began to give him the meds immediately.
The side effects were not very nice. Best described as looking like Zac was very drunk. The seizures began to dissapear but Zac wasnt himself. He was very short of breath and it was the time that it was very warm outside and the heat didnt help. He hadnt been for a walk in over 6 weeks due to the heat outside.  He was in a sorry state by this stage, constantly panting, no energy, unsteady on his feet and just having a bad time of it.

I knew he wasnt going to be with me much longer. 2 days later I called the vets at 6am. The vet arranged to come in the afternoon and I spent the morning loving Zac as much as I could I knew what was coming. I made the afwful decision to tell my kids and all morning we lay with him trying to make the lasts moments last forever. It was heart wrenching. I cannot expalin how I/we felt that morning. I felt the need to clean his bowls and put them away as I knew what was coming. I hand fed him some chicken which he gobbled up - "good lad"

The vet came at 2pm and we made the decision. I cried like a baby but I knew it was the right thing to do.
It was agony to watch but I had to be there, I had to be with him. It was the worst decision I have ever had to make.
I made a coffin for Zac and buried him in the garden. I have some solar powered lights, ornaments and flowers there and its somewhere to go and talk to him. I take some comfort from that. That night the solar light shone so bright. It has never shone so bright it was freaky.

The following few days were a struggle. I thought I was never going to recover but deep down I knew time would be the heeler. I couldnt sleep properly and was getting up at 5.00 am and going outside sobbing over his grave.
I felt alone, very lonely even though family were very supportive nothing was making the pain go away.
I had a tremendous feeling of guilt, like I was to blame, as I had ultimately made that final decision and that feeling wouldnt go away.

4 days later I was stood in the conservatory, talking on the phone to my mum about the solar light and a couple of other things that had happened over the last few days then suddenly something happened that I will try to explain.......A huge surge / wave of warm energy past through my body. Starting at the top of my head then through my body to my feet. It took my breath away and I gasped as this thing passed through me. My mum asked what was going on and I explained. It was Zac.
Immediately after this the huge sense of guilt I had vanished.......completely. I felt like I had come through something and I felt 100% better and the following few days I began to return to some form of normality although the huge loss of Zac was still raw.

2 months on it still hurts but for anyone else that is going through the grief that I did then please take something from this story. Time is the heeler.

I found Rocky on Saturday, 12th Oct which is 2 months after Zac to the day. It was fate, I have posted a thread about it. He is 11 weeks old and a bundle of joy but he is not to replace Zac. Nothing ever will.

Appologies for the long post but I needed to do it and hopefully others will benefit from my experience.
Now I can dry my tears and see to Rocky.

Oh, that made me cry.

What a wonderful obituary for Zac - you had a truly fantastic relationship and I know you'll be together again one day.

Thanks for sharing that story about Zac, it was full of emotion. You gave Zac a good life and now you can give Rocky the same

Thank you so much for sharing your story

Thank you for sharing that, I am now sobbing.

Running free till you meet again Xx

That's a lovely tribute to Zac there Bob, I am sure other readers can draw some comfort from the fact that others have been there too. Thanks for sharing your feeling for Zac, RIP fella run free at Rainbow Bridge.

I could feel your love for zac bob as I read your words such heartfelt words filled with emotion & now I'm sobbing, run free zac & rest easy, until you meet again.

Had me choked, a fantastic tribute to your best buddy.
Run free Zac at Rainbow Bridge Xx

What a great tribute to Zac, run free at rainbow bridge xxx

I'm so glad that you have felt able to share the story of Zac's closure of life with us, and hope that in recording his obituary you have felt comfort. You will never forget Zac, but time willheal the pain.

xxx

Good for you to share this story Bob and thanks for taking the time to do it . BTW I am sitting here with full eyes too

Run free Zac  

thank you for sharing yours and zac's story,it was so moving.
Rip zac gorgeous boy x

It must have been so hard to put this into words. My girl has been poorly of late and that affected us greatly so I can only begin to imagine what you have been through. The love we feel for our dogs is immeasurable and the love they return is boundless and unconditional. I am wiping the tears from my eyes but thank you for sharing this with us.

Thanks for all the kind words.

So sorry for the loss of your boy and maybe he was guiding you on to Rocky, I had a few dreams where tyra who passed just over 3 months ago was playing with a black and white dog, exactly 3 months later to the day we brought home nico. As you said you can and would never want to replace them but I think the love goes on, I like to think tyra was pointing us in Nicos direction. Your story had me sobbing but I'm so glad you shared it xxx

It was 12 months yesterday that Zac left us and my thoughts are with him everyday.  

Reading your story my heart goes out to u run free wee zac

I'm sure he will forever be in your heart Bob

Crying reading that. Hope i never have to make that decision.

When you get blessed to have a best friend like Zac it is so very hard to accept when they have moved on. Your story moved me Bob and I can sympathise somewhat having been through this many years ago.

It took me a wedding, 2 kids and about 20 odd years before I felt I could have another best friend like that in my life. I suppose I was too worried to lose another.

I do compare my Flo to my first Staff, Helen, because she does so many things that Helen used to but thats just the breed I guess. I wouldn't be without Flo now and so glad that we found her.

I look back with the fondest and some really crazy memories of Helen as I'm sure you will in time Bob. Time is really the only healer and the memories become happy ones with the sadness fading.

Best wishes to you Bob on this sad anniversary.

The first anniversary is always the hardest Bob. It is a reminder of the pain and grief you have suffered. It sounds like Zac was a belter and also that he had a good life with you. How is Rocky doing?    

So it's been 4 years since zac went. Still miss him but time is the healer and Rocky helps.......he's a real handful but good fun.
I can't bring myself to read my tribute though. I read the first couple of lines and then.................
Anway, god bless this wonderful breed of dogs.x

This had me in tears. Run free at the bridge Zac. Xxx

Reading it again brought a lump to my throat. As you say, time is the healer and nothing can replace Zac but I'm sure Rocky is keeping you more than entertained Bob.

Certainly brought tears to my eyes But it seems that Rocky is now keeping you very occupied

Thats was a touching tribute and lovely to read, it mustve been so hard - when I look at my little smudge bob and look at those big eyes.... they are truly a wonderful breed and have so much love to give, you showed true love in return and never had any reason to feel guilt xxx