Thrown in the towel

Well after 5 year, 3 kids, 3 houses together and a f*** load of falling out and disagreeing over pretty much everything I have moved out, been staying with a friend for a few days and am in the process of getting a place of my own, once I have somewhere I can move Stig in with me and we can live peacefully forever. I don't know why I'm writing this and if I were asked how I'm feeling right now I really don't know, part of me feels relieved that I have some breathing space and somewhere I can sit and say nothing without being considered rude, and part of me feels like I've failed the kids and should have tried harder, but the last couple of years have took their toll, there was a time I would fight for things to work out but I'm quite litteraly exhausted, there's no fight left in me and I'm done, Sh1t times

Really sorry to hear that but I don't think it means you've failed anyone, if you've tried and you've got no fight left in you anymore, it's either leave and try to be happy, or stay and possibly be miserable, and that's not good for anyone.

Dave, some epeople are not supposed to be together. You have kids, and you will see them all the time and let them know you love them,. sometime si just doesn't workout.

Being together has got to a point where we're both starting to feel ill, we both have headaches pretty much all the time and I've started having chest pains, on top of this our 3yo son (who is the route of most of our problems) is picking up on the tension and becoming even more aggressive and clingy, best all round if I get my own place and take the kids one at a time for a few days at a time, our sons taking up so much time I feel like I barely know the girls as he pretty much demands both our attention constantly, this on top of the smaller things is just too much. The down side is I'll have to go back into full time employment as the dog walking isn't/and showing no signs of becoming a full time job and wont cover the costs of another property, I'll try to keep it going on the side but at the minute I need a steady income as I'll soon run out of cash once I find a place, as much as I didn't want to move it really is the best all round for both of us and more importantly our son, as it stands we're not over as such we'll just be in diferent houses, but if one of us didn't go I doubt we'd last another month. Thanks for the kind words too they really help.

um, a) i'm sorry you are feeling so stressed. b) "who is the route of most of our problems" about your son? He sounds like he has ADHD or is Austistic, but you don't say. Have you had him tested?

Yes our son is currently undergoing tests and behavioural programmes to establish whether he has ADHD or autism it's just taking so long, and unfortunately nobody is prepared to help as he literally drives everybody insane, he constantly has to be near and is constantly talking and expecting a reply, seriously it's not like he just does it a lot he litterally doesn't stop, it means that me and his mum never get to talk as he talks over the top of us and wont stop until he has our attention, he also does this if we try giving the girls any attention, by the time we get him to sleep it's late and we just don't want to talk, when we do it erupts into an argument as we bottle up his constant need for attention all day and take it out on each other. We have tried everything for him but the only way to stop him is by one of us constantly being by his side, if we even go in another room and close the door he will start screaming and kicking the door, if the girls are with him he'll attack them and if that fails he starts biting himself on his arms and hands and smacking his head into the door and floor. He asks to go out and no matter how long we're out for it's never long enough and once we're home he starts again, I stopped him walking Stig with me.as he wants carrying on the way back and throws himself on the floor.when I say no, this ruins Stigs walk and so far he has ruined every day trip and every holiday, sometimes he starts doing these things and I don't think he even knows why he's doing them, but what makes it 10 times worse is while he is having a tantrum all I can hear appart from him is his mothers mouth, and it's always moaning and bitching abou his behaviour and how she's had enough and can't cope, this stresses me out a whole lot more as I am right there and do not need a running commentry on how.bad his behaviour is

Well, from personal experience, i would say he is on the side of autism. I have a client who behaves very like you describe.

But, i'm sorry to sound rude, i can tell you are very stressed. You need to go take a break for even a day, because your son can't help it. He is not doing this for kicks.

I can feel your frustration, but i can feel you're also blaming him a little..and you really mustnt

Have yo looked into care? because if he is eligaable he can get placed in a residential

I honestly try not to blame him and even though we often argue as I also blame his mum I will accept that I no doubt contribute to the problem by snapping and shouting at her when I feel she isn't helping the situation, I understand she spends more rime with him than me and when I was working 9hr shifts I offered her the opportunity to go upstairs or out for an hour when I got home so she could have a break from it, she jumped at the chance and did this for about a week and then for some reason decided she "shouldn't have to get out of the way because of him" and stopped doing it, this natturally peed me off as it was lime it was being thrown back in my face, when he creates now she will start with the "I've had enough and need to get away from him" to which I reply "go away and clear your head, there's no point us both getting upset over it and when one of us leaves he calms down a little", I get the same "I shouldn't have to" attitude from her. To me this attitude isn't helping and if she can't tolerate it she should walk away from it until I calm him down but she wont. I may be be out of order for saying her actions don't help but to be honest I don't give her the opportunity to get an hour away from it just for her sake I offer it because it also helps me if I can't hear her getting worked up over it. This may sound real harsh but when she isn't there I can diffuse the situation much quicker and when she has girly nights away the atmosphere is so much better throughout the day it's unreal, this is why I feel he'd be better off spending most of his time with me as believe it or not getting stressed is just not in my nature and the only time it happens is when me and the o/h are together with George. Thanks for the advise and it has not come across rude at all, it's also nice to hear from someone who has experience of this behaviour as the best we get is health visitors and school behaviour people telling us they'll do all they can to get to the bottom of it, and coming back with nothing.

Not sure about the residential care thing is it just somewhere he will be looked after while we have a break?

from what you are saying he is quite far into "special needs"

do you have a care worker for him?

You can look into day centres. They will care for him and give him lots of social skills. but you will ave to talk to his social workers

There is also restbite care which is basically a sitter you can hire.

I don't really think that is the best thing. I find routine is better.

gosh so sorry to hear about this! Can remeber you saying other week your were having tests onthe little lad i huess you still no further along?

Have you tried change of doctors and if your under a doctor at the hospital how about gaining another from a diff hospital? I have a three year old and he tests me and my OH at the best of times so to be going through this no wonder it has put a strain on the both of you. May be you both need time but dont forget and i may sound out of plavce that your ex/OH may need time aswell.

were always hear for a chat

Well today he has been with me and Stig for the day, he's had an hour on the park and started to throw a tantrum when told it was time to go, called at the shop for his gingerbread man which kept him quiet and then we took Stig out, has behaved all day apart from a short spell of tormenting the dog which led to a slight telling off and another tantrum that was over with in a matter of minutes by sitting colouring with him. Although it's easy enough to calm him down by paying attention to what he wants it's harder when we're out, and equally as hard when he wants something I don't want him to have. It's not as easy for the o/h to deal with as we also have the girls aswell as him and had he been at home with her when he started his tantrum it wouldn't have been easy for her to drop everything and deal with him. The doctor an health visitor have been pretty useless up to now all we ever hear is that they're working together with his school to help us yet we're hearing nothing about progress when we speak to them, he goes to nursery every day for 3 hour and has only misbehaved twice whilst there. The girls have a pre-school day each to give them a break from George and to give them some interaction as they don't get as much as they need at home but we can only afford to give them one day a week and even that is hitting us quite a bit financially. I think while I have him with me on his own I will try working on his quite frankly attrocious diet and see if it makes a difference, with the one on one attention I'm giving him I hope to see a vast improvement over time but once I go back into employment I will worry he may go downhill again

Best of luck mate , sure you know what is for the best for you and your family and hope it all works out

Sorry to hear about your problems Dave. You are very young to have all this on your shoulders. I think having space to yourself does help a lot both physically and mentally. These things do have there way of sorting things out, whichever way. Stay positive and good luck.

Oh dear Dave, so very sorry to read of your problems not really sure what to advise as I have never been in your situation. hoping you can get everything sorted out for you and your family

I'm so sorry to hear of your problems Dave.

Your 3 year old son is fairly obviously an unhappy little boy, and his reactive behaviour is such that neither you nor your OH can can cope with him and the stress it is causing both of you has come to the point where the family is breaking up.

I would urge you both (your OH and you) to press, agigate, insist that your GP, social workers, Relate and Family Counselling all work together with yourselves as a matter of urgency.

I wish you ALL the very best in resolving this situation >< >< ><

Stig, i would go for a second oppinion, GPs and health visitors are rubbish!! I think for u and you OH ii believe time is a great healer

Lynda wrote:I'm so sorry to hear of your problems Dave.

Your 3 year old son is fairly obviously an unhappy little boy

He certainly seems very unhappy, but we can't pinpoint why. He gets plenty of attention from me and always has, we have lots of fun days out and holidays and he has litterally a room full of toys, by room the dining room was converted into a play room and I do as many activities with him as I can, he never lost any attention when the girls came along if anything he got/and still gets moreand yet he seems very unhappy. Yet if he has a day with just me or just his mum he's a different boy, he only seems to play up when either me and the o/h are together or the girls are with us. As for pushing doctors we've pushed and pushed and all we get is "we can't change things overnight", they haven't actually done or suggested we do anything if I'm honest.

Rebecca-we have decided today to see if we can get some proffesional help by means of paying for it, because as you say the doctors and health visitors are rubbish, although I can't comment on the quality of their work as I haven't actually seen them do any

Can't help but we are always hear if you ever need a chat ><

I would may be try a diff doctor just for a second opinion but thats me, had enough dealings with docs to last me a life time!

I know our sons are diff and could never say do this but i spoilt ryan and now he at the age were he understands how to play you we have started been harder. He lashes out does ryan when he not getting his own way, just to me and his dad. So we started 'been the meaneys and saying no' he had his room emptied, toy bans, etc etc and its slowly working.

Who said having kids and having a partner was going to be easy!

Ah Dave, your post signature is "Thrown in the Towel" but I'm glad to see that you obviously haven't ! which is very hopeful.

It's not my place to become too personal in your relationship with your OH, but if you BOTH want to resolve this problem with your son, then however hard it is please keep battering at your GP, social workers and Relate to help you. On a cynical level, it is cheaper for the Government to keep a family living happily together than to have a split family living apart with at least one disturbed child who may need extra care - you might like to remind your GP/social workers/etc of this). If you and your OH think that your personal relationship is worth salvaging for yourselves and your family unit it may be worth getting private Family Counselling.

I know it's not easy, but there are a lot of unhappy people and tiny children here who cannot understand or react helpfully (to themselves or others) who need HELP.

I do hope you can get the help you all need ><