So you think you want a Stafford

A lot of you have probably already seen this but it makes me giggle every time I read it so thought I'd post.

• To prepare for the Stafford, go to the local Veterinary Surgeon. Tip the contents of your purse/ wallet onto his counter and tell him to help himself. Then go to the pet shop. Arrange to have your wages paid directly to their accountant. Go home and read the paper in peace for the last time.

• Before you finally get a Stafford, find a couple who already have one and berate them about their methods of discipline, lack of patience, appallingly low tolerance levels, and how they have allowed their dog to run riot. Suggest ways in which they might improve their dog’s sleeping habits, toilet training, table manners and overall behaviour. Enjoy it – it’ll be the last time in your life that you will have all the answers.

• To discover how the night feels, go to bed at 10pm. Set the alarm for midnight, wake up and throw yourself violently onto the floor. Place a 56lb bag of potatoes on the duvet and attempt to get back under the covers. Reset the alarm for 5.30am and, just as you are waking up, slap yourself in the face with a large wet sponge. Get up, make breakfast, keep this up for 14 years, try to look cheerful.

• Can you stand the mess that dogs make? To find out first throw 2 gallons of mud onto a newly mopped kitchen floor, smear the excess up the sides of the cooker and kitchen units. Tread a little into the hall and living room carpets. Stick your fingers in the flower-beds and rub them on the clean walls. Now, how does that look?

• Walk down the road with one arm fully extended, break into a jog extending the arm even further. Say ‘heel’ nicely, several times. Shout ‘heel’ several more. Scream ‘stop pulling damn you’. Ignore looks from passers-by.

• Forget the BMW and buy a Ford Sierra Estate. Buy a rawhide chew, a packet of dog biscuits and a large bone. Mash them down the back of the rear seats. Go to the hairdressers and obtain a week’s floor sweepings. Distribute liberally on the seats and carpets. Run a garden rake along both sides of the car. There, perfect!

• Get ready to go out, try to sneak out of the door without making a sound. Go halfway down the garden path, come back. Five minutes later try again. Come back. Put on the stereo and make soothing noises. Try again. Come back. Ring friends and tell them to come round to see you instead.

• Practice sitting on not more that 1/8th of the sofa and try different methods of balancing a hot cup on your knees. When, if ever, you perfect this, try eating a packet of crisps/ biscuits silently whilst keeping the packet totally out of sight. Give up and sprinkles crumbly residue down back of sofa.

• Tie 2 dinner forks together and put a dog lead on a door hook. Rehearse picking up the dog lead silently. When it rattles scratch yourself very hard down the shins with the forks. Repeat procedure several times. Go to the sports shop and obtain a pair of goalkeeper’s shin pads.

•Now for a final tip start practicing even trying to see your computer screen while balancing 40 odd lb's of Stafford on you lap. IMPOSSIBLE.....Nah you just need to start practising when they are tiny. Now using the keyboard is an artform.

• Always repeat everything you say at least five times. Always repeat everything you say…. Always repeat everything you say.....Always.....Get the picture

Unknown author

love it made me laugh!

fab!!! Xx

They forgot to mention:

All the love you will recieve in abundance and completely unconditionally in return for all the above

kathytake2 wrote:They forgot to mention:

All the love you will recieve in abundance and completely unconditionally in return for all the above

You're not wrong there!

as I am sat here with Ledger on my knee balancing the laptop in one hand

missing Tilly at the moment whilst i'm down here , mummy has her all to herself and BTW so very true

Love it!! The yoga form of using a laptop with Rolo on my lap.... so true!!!!

Haha made me laugh but how true it is. Wouldnt change it for the world

Love this, get the wet sponge effect every morning in our house. Best way to wake up ever!!
And not to forget constantly having to clean the windows from the smears made by one very nosey stafford.

Word for word perfect love it so much I getting a second Staffy helpppppp

all so very true,but wouldnt change a thing.

Very true

Brilliant and so very true.

Love this!!!! The bed and sofa bit soooooo true!!! Ha ha

fantastic !

Galadriel wrote:

• Walk down the road with one arm fully extended, break into a jog extending the arm even further. Say ‘heel’ nicely, several times. Shout ‘heel’ several more. Scream ‘stop pulling damn you’. Ignore looks from passers-by.

Oh yeah....know this one very well

Can identify with all of the above

Love this, so very true! Wouldn't change it for the world

very true
if i had shown this to the wife we possible would not of had or bundle of fun

This has made my day. Can so identify especially with the potato sack on the duvet.

sounds oh so familar!

Brilliant! and so true

sounds just like my daily routine not to forget trying to bath them in what seems like the most awful liquid in the world to them but will happily roll around in dirty water.

ahh.... sounds like, home sweet home!! haha

if it is morning or even morning in the next two hours and I so much as stir... I get great trouncing and licking and head stomping by my guys! Sometimes I get to put a finger on my couch.

Place a 56lb bag of potatoes on the duvet and attempt to get back under the covers.

Lola's usually there even before i get to bed. i'm sure the dogs find it amusing to play "dead weight" at bed time